Court went fine (no pun intended :)) .Means enquiries are called last and me last of all (so sods law there) and got more time to pay with a reduction from £20 a week to £5.

I *used* to earn money... kit put a stop to all that eventually. Cos its all that mattered.

So the sum of that pissed me off.

Then i was knackered and lay on the couch which was a huge mistake as when i woke up it was a really bad one. Body was at about 80% 'get a bag' mode and half my mind was automatically figuring out where it was gonna come from.

Just for that 'feeling' one more time.

Just the one.

Thankfully the other half, the 'feck off' side, took over...  I *am* past this I guess Im just not 'past it' if that makes sense. But for the first time in a few days the tears were streaming down my face with uncontrollable emotion. Been doing really well these last days with just 1 valium in the morning to all intents and purposes. Had none left however (bro been eating them) so I nipped down to the man that can and got a few to get us through... that guy is a diamond. I didnt have a bean yet got twenty from him and was told to come back should i need more (and hes happy that im using them to come off the big H, he knows the score so it was a genuine offer not a way to line his own pockets... hes told me straight hed be happier when i stop buying them, he has plenty punters) ... bro would have needed them anyway, hes climbing the walls and is in the same place I was a week or so ago so its just the medicine he needs.

I took 2 so that should calm me down. Also a friend suggested my sugar levels may be low so i scoffed that snickers thats been here all week with a cup of milk and must admit... am starting to come back to 'where i was'.

I should have called this blog not thebigfight but the_big_long_hard_sore_repeating_thats_what_you_get_you_stupid_sod_fight.

BTW, I mentioned in an earlier blog that id actually met someone who had successfuly used methadone to come of this... she lied. Her brother told me yesterday she was away "down for her script" (glasgow talk for gettin a dose) so as this is turning out my brother who is now on day 11 of withdrawal will in fact become the only person ive ever met who managed it.

Maybe thats whats wrong a wee bit with me too... im lookin after him and its bloody hard work just as it was when i was on the phone to some of you pouring my heart and tears out.

But hes ma bro and hes on day 11 and im proud of him.

Boy oh boy oh boy. Ill say it again... what a journey.