Ok, been thinking about this all day and one thing in particular swung it for me. Weed is gone but ill keep the odd valium for the bad times cos there will surely be one or two yet to come.

I popped out back at the hight of the day to catch a few rays (ahhhh, the joys of working from home) and rolled that last spliff i had and took a book down. Except because i havent really been puffing it just made me... feel funny... and not nice funny but 'scatty' and a bit paranoid.

So off with its head. Ive only smoked a fiver bit all week and thats next to nothing anyway... so its outta here too. I dont believe this myself really... i wanted to come of drugs but at the back of my mind was my love of weed... and yet, sadly (or gladly i cant decide yet) and for good or worse the cannabis use stops as of today... that was my last toke.

I will however keep the odd wee valium out of the way for the bad times such as yesterday evening. That was bad as I was in bits and dont know where it came from... as mentioned though i have years of emotion just 'slamming' into me at once.

One thing i forgot to mention in all of my blogs and thats a friend... a good one once upon a time... told me something once.

Shes a nurse and told me that she deals with people every day who would, in some cases literally, give limbs for the chance to be normal and like me. Seriously ill people, cancer, muscular dystrophy, mental illness you name it she had to deal with it.

And her point was what *right* did *I* have to do that to myself? I didnt have a real answer for her then and i dont now except to say is that has played on my mind since it was said to me about (more than) a year ago and has played no small part in my giving up and doing as I have. All I can say is I wasnt 'ready' then. Youve got to really really deep down in your body and soul want to do this in order to do it and even though i did mean it when I said I wanted to give up my body and mind wouldnt let me.

And because of that I lost her... even as a friend. For reasons that have got nothing to do with withdrawal or this blog im keeping to myself but I'll be eternally sad at that loss. Heroin has been expensive... and im not talking money. Thats why i was so scared and hesitant in the first place to let you all know... she ran a mile so who else would? And we were a couple for the best part of 4 years.

And still she ran. Bloody stuff. And yet I can blame noone but myself.

As you can tell I have a lot of strange and new emotions running around inside me... this 'being straight' is new to me in my entire adult life.

But i like it. I like it a lot.

I just had to 'grow up' first.