Me First
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With no valium available yesterday I got a bottle of vodka last night and managed to punish half of it before zzz about 12:30. Woke up at about 5:45am still feeling drunk.

Would have preferred a valium or two, and had £15, but how couldnt exactly go down and ask for some owing him £50 huh?. So wee drinky poo it was  (and yes,  it did cross my mind to get 'something  else')

Sister and her hubby ended up sorting it out the £50... eternally grateful to both of ya and thumbs up.

Thats a new one, not done that before (I think, who knows what ive done and not realised?)... I've drank skinfuls but have always woken up sober sometimes with, or without, a hangover... but never still drunk. For the first time in my life I had a vodka 'kicker'. And its done the trick. Its actually sobered me up (that or made me drunk again but i wont take anymore and feel 'ok' with hand on heart).

Now given that ive never particularly liked drinking theres no problem either with taking one last night or the kicker and I forgive myself both totally, heehee.

There will be no valium till later on and I've spent days previously last week when I went till 9pm with no valium... thats whats made me 'edgy' both yesterday when i wrote my first, angry blog and this morning/now (the kicker cured that)... So thats two days running I've had no 'parachute' valium in the morning. So... they're outta here totally.

Thats it folks. From 8:27am today I am totally drug free (had nothing at all since Sunday afternoon don't forget). The one exception is Andys friend gave me enough for a few spliffs... of which I have enough for two left.

But I'm still calling that nothing given I havent had any recently and smoked the stuff for 22 years.

I'm not stupid and realise there may still be rough ones ahead but valium will be about as I sit on Andy these next week or two. So if i *do* need something a wee valium (as an emergency only) will at least be available cos when that craving kicks in it kicks in for real.

So thats me.

Andy
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Sleepin like a baby. As he had IV yesterday that would last 18hrs at least so he'll start feeling rough this afternoon. By then we'll have the valium debt settled and more bought for him. He was gutted himself and I think he took a lot from the experience that everyone was still behind him. His friend Terry (his first friend I actually like) was talking to him as one would want and even sister phoned him on his mobile *from* canada.

Neat trick sis but I had managed to at least 'collar' the bugger by then.

So he's back on the wagon. His real fight was meth which even his own doctor told him he would *start* to feel better on week 3. That was yesterday. Given H leaves you physically very quickly if theres no dependance... he will hurt more than he should have the next few days but he has more 'resources' available and realises it was the half bottle of vodka that 'started the ball rolling'.

So given that I feel bad. Why?

When we had a drink in Fri night, because we were so far along, in order to 'bum him up' I told him that not only was he fighting an alcohol addiction, a heroin one but also a meth. "Who can knock you down after this" kinda thing. And its a if he used that, somewhere in his mind as the vodka took effect, as an excuse for yesterday.

But the thing is he gave up being and alcoholic when he started H (he was about year in front of me I think). Heroin he has only had (I found out yesterday) 4 'blips' since his meth detox started. So hes not depandant on *that* either. Yet I feel as if I put that idea in his head and feel a little guilty as hes my bro and I should have realised he would take that as an excuse/reason to 'slip'. But as of now hes back on the wagon.

His fight is meth and by doing what he did he'll suffer a little harder than he would have... thats punishment enough trust me cos I just did it.

Smell
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As you can tell I was more than a little annoyed at him. But as I've cooled down he can just go to hell.

I made plans man.

I couldnt go to his door as his current partner has a child in the house (else that would already have been a done deal) but sod him... rot in hell ya little shite.

So I made plans to do it in the street given the chance and it was 'quiet'. If I wasn't caught then good. If I was then as I dont have a single jot of violence on my record in my life, and given the circumstances which mr/mrs judge would hear... I would have pled not guilty. That in turn would have set me free or turned him into a grass and once a known grass your finished and I would have gotten a light sentance (and very unlikely a custodial one)...  there were more 'permutations' I ran through so ... well... I had it well thought out.

But as I say, now, calmer, he can just go rot.