Bugger... no matter where I turned, positioned, moved to I just could not stop my mind from 'ticking over' and feeling so damned angry at myself for not being able to do something we all know I could have litreally done in my sleep previously. Took me until after 4am to drop off and only then with the aid of mr valium.

I didnt think it was that good of an analogy at the time but the motorway one is actually good one.

Drugs provided the 'sliproad' before (dont forget I smoked weed all during College/uni etc etc and for years before that)... and I've destroyed them all, smashed them and broken them up. I mean I learned how to use a computer stoned.

Which fits in with the transmitters thing I mentioned in an earlier blog... my brain *expects* those sliproads to be there and I guess its going to take a little more than I thought to 'rebuild' them. But the tractors and heavy earth moving equipment are out, I can see em, and last night as I did manage to fall asleep I put the workers on overtime, fitted halogen lamps and put the buggers to work at night too so we're building 24hrs a day now.

Gettit?

Not sure I do but I *do* know that I will get there... the sheer fact I could almost 'touch' and knew what I had to do is a good sign.

C'mon workers ya lazy sods... get those sliproads built... Tam (and everyone else) needs them.

Programming today which I did some of last week so I should/will be ok there and no, I wont 'push' to hard.

Had such a sore head this morning and all mum had was co-codomol so I allowed myself 1 (and yes, it really *was* just a co-codomol this time) so that should take it away as well as 'pep' me up a bit and get me going as of course theres no valium.

Mabye I'm just expecting too much from myself... I was practically in tears last night at 1am as I realised it was futile to continue trying. Boss seems to expect things to return slowly, and would in fact probably prefer it that way... I dont need to get back into this at 100 miles an hour.

So... dissapointment over, days work today and we'll see how I get on this evening when i try again on my own time. But Lord above these last couple of rounds, for their own and different reasons, are as hard to cope with as the first couple.

<shrug> it is thebigfight.com huh? not the_big_fight_that_gets_easier_and_clears_up_at_once.com